One-Liners

If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I suppose we should all count our blessings, especially since they're dwindling.

I don't need drugs. I get the same effect, just by standing up fast.

Saw it ... Wanted it ... Had a fit ... Got it!

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

I'm so far behind I think I'm first.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.

Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless.

Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

They who are afraid to ask are ashamed of learning.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

Four categories of body fat in Georgia: normal, overweight, obese and deputy sheriff.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I miss the good old days when the Americans were the good guys.

You can learn many things from children, like how much patience you have.

Vacation in Asia: It makes you feel taller.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

In the end, all we have is a bunch of snapshots.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

Three secrets of success in public speaking are: be sincere, be brief, be seated.

Laughter is an Instant Vacation!

Observation: Most people meet the right one after they've married the wrong one.

An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh.