The Chief noticed a new seaman one day... and barked at him, "Get over here!"
"What is your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.
"Paul," the new guy replied.
The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in bootcamp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only: Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, aye, Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed.... and said, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief!"
"Okay.............. Paul,........ here's what I want you to do... "
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Parrot Talk
A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief' as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite Words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is better than Sex
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. If you don't get want you want, you can always go next door!
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. If you don't get want you want, you can always go next door!
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Bubba In Paris
Bubba, a furniture dealer from Tennessee, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Jackson, Tennessee. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
was in the furniture business.
After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Jackson, Tennessee. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
was in the furniture business.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Christian Kittens
After church, the minister asked Little Johnny how he was doing.
"Great, sir. My cat just had Christian kittens!" Little Johnny announced proudly.
The minister smiled, and the next week made a point of finding Little Johnny again after church.
"So, how are your Christian kittens doing?" inquired the minister.
"Oh, they're not Christian kittens anymore. They're atheist kittens." Little Johnny replied.
"Really?" the minister didn't quite know what to say.
"Yes, sir. You see, they opened up their eyes this week."
"Great, sir. My cat just had Christian kittens!" Little Johnny announced proudly.
The minister smiled, and the next week made a point of finding Little Johnny again after church.
"So, how are your Christian kittens doing?" inquired the minister.
"Oh, they're not Christian kittens anymore. They're atheist kittens." Little Johnny replied.
"Really?" the minister didn't quite know what to say.
"Yes, sir. You see, they opened up their eyes this week."
The Veternarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated.
'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'
The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'
The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'
The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'
'He is a veterinarian,' she answered. 'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'
The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated.
'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'
The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'
The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'
The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'
'He is a veterinarian,' she answered. 'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'
The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Name This Song!!
Name This Song - Watch more free videos
I dare you to name the song before the middle of the video, and put your guess in the comments.
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