Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!"! he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-a--es downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time. "
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!!!!"
Monday, December 19, 2005
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm the chip monk."
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hour. Don't disturb the Pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park ..." Then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ..
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Saturday, December 10, 2005
"Well, we've got the results back from the lab, and I've got to tell you, it dosn't look good. I'm afraid... you don't have much longer to live."
"Doctor, you must tell me, how long do I have left?"
"Ten? Ten what?"
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning is:
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the
first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy! And keep them occupied for several minutes
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels... "Me and Bubba's on the Patch."
Thursday, December 08, 2005
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES!
At 4 a.m. the next morning,FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent."
The farmer said, "That would be me."
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Due to new regulations, Asbestos handbaskets will no longer be legal for sale in Europe after January 1, so it's time for profit-taking: SELL at 119 1/2 . Most industry experts agree that the protection that these flameproof devices offered was minimal in any case.
All indicators point to continued increase in demand for these commodities, with a world-wide market approaching 6 Billion units.
(If you think that this is real financial advice of the sort that would need a bunch of legalese down here, you have serious issues)
Instead of a joke, I'm posting a link to an interesting contest called Exercise Your Music Muscle.
The contest consists of a picture with 74 visual references to artists/bands. For instance, two planes flying in the air refer to the B-52s. The picture is quite funny, and it's amusing to try and guess what bands are hidden (so to speak) in the picture.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. Nothing was held back. Well, almost nothing. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but.......
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totalling $250,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she started, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were inside the box! She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but.... what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the other doilies."
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year - namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything since. Guess I won that stupid argument!
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
and the best one . . . . .
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. .... Sign here."
understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Saturday, December 03, 2005
"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"