Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Parrot Talk

A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief' as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite Words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is better than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...

1. If you don't get want you want, you can always go next door!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Bubba In Paris

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Tennessee, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Jackson, Tennessee. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
was in the furniture business.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Christian Kittens

After church, the minister asked Little Johnny how he was doing.

"Great, sir. My cat just had Christian kittens!" Little Johnny announced proudly.

The minister smiled, and the next week made a point of finding Little Johnny again after church.

"So, how are your Christian kittens doing?" inquired the minister.

"Oh, they're not Christian kittens anymore. They're atheist kittens." Little Johnny replied.

"Really?" the minister didn't quite know what to say.

"Yes, sir. You see, they opened up their eyes this week."

The Veternarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered. 'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

Monday, September 29, 2008

Haiku

Space is limited
In a haiku, so you have
to limit what you

Friday, September 26, 2008

Name This Song!!


Name This Song - Watch more free videos

I dare you to name the song before the middle of the video, and put your guess in the comments.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

INSANE Guy Texting on a Motorcycle


INSANE guy on motorcycle WHILE TEXTING - Watch more free videos

Mathmatical Knowledge

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

[kaplanr@govt.shearson.com (Roger Kaplan)]

A Man Walks Into A Bar...

A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer.

"What have you got there?" The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out out a tiny replica of a piano. He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. "Well, that's interesting," the bartender says.

"You haven't seen it all." The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. "Come on, Joe." Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed.

"My god!" he says. "Where did you find him??"

"Well, I was walking along the beach one day," the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase, "and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish."

"And that was your wish?" The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano.

"No," the man said. "The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn't get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I'm stuck with this twelve inch pianist."

Monday, August 04, 2008

Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now,think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Monday, May 19, 2008

High School Prank :-)

At a high school in Montana, a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go, they
painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1 ,2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking
for 3.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Tax Rebates

Recently President Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems.

Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China; if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs . . . and none of these scenarios will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America . . . so the only way to keep that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses still left in the U.S.




Friday, February 01, 2008

Creative Insults

Not long ago, people used their creativity (and not four letter words) to express their negative feelings about another person. Here are some of the more unusual, but humorous examples.

An exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He replied, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words i nto the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"T h ere's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Bubba In Paris

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Tennessee, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Jackson, Tennessee . To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was
the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Quote of the Day

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

Victor Hugo (1802-1885)

Monday, January 14, 2008

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly, a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man - obviously a yuppie - then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds he receives an email on his Palm Pilot, that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet, with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives another response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150 page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer, then turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man tries to stuff it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a moment, then says: "OK, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow - that's correct," says the Yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog."