Sunday, October 29, 2006

How a Woman's Brain Works!

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?

Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:





Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

Good thing a man's brain requires only two balls. ;-D

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Sex Quotes

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380 SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation.
The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !'"

Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for l ater in life."

Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

Man with Teddy Bears

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Man with Teddy Bears

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Thursday, October 19, 2006

CRUTCH!

A breakdancer and skateboard on crutches - Cool!

Monday, October 16, 2006

Talking Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have a female parrot, but she only knows how to say one thing."

"What does she say?" the priest inquired.

She says, "I`m a naughty girl. I`m a naughty girl."

The priest thought for a moment and said, "You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have three male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your parrot over to my house, and we'll put her in the cage with my male parrots. My parrots can teach your parrot to pray and worship, and your parrot is sure to stop saying, 'I`m a naughty girl; I`m a naughty girl.'"

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrot to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrot in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrot said..."I`m a naughty girl; I`m a naughty girl."

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrots and exclaimed, "Drop the beads, boys.... Our prayers have been answered!"

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Dating in 1959

It's the summer of 1959 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.

Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dangit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

A Man is walking down the street...

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute. "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in 3 words."

The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do but remember, only in three words," she tells him.

The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."

True Colors

Two Generals of the Napoleanic era were watching a battle from a nearby bluff. Suddenly, a stray bullet struck one of them in the shoulder. Without an instants' pause, he turned to his aide - "Fetch me my red jacket," he commanded. As the aide rushed to comply, he turned to the other General, and explained that he didn't want the men to be demoralized by knowing he was wounded.

The other General was clearly impressed. At that moment, a cannonball shrieked between them, the wind from its' passing rocking them both back on their heels. After a moment, the second General turned to his aide, and ordered, "Fetch me my brown trousers ... "

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Sunday, October 08, 2006

New Transmission Design Feature?

I had a car problem recently--the automatic transmission seemed to be stuck in second gear.

I took it to the mechanic, and he called to tell me that it was a design feature. When the transmission detects that something is seriously wrong, it locks itself into second gear so you can get off the highway, make it to a repair shop, or otherwise recover from the situation without danger.

Something troubled me, though, after I got off the phone.

It took me a minute, but I finally figured it out:

My transmission had booted into Safe Mode.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

50th Wedding Anniversary

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said, "Honey, do your remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.

"She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked. He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"

She giggled and said, "Yes, dear,that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Living Will Form

Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Beer,
Margarita,
Jack Daniel,
Bloody Mary,
Rib Eye steak,
riding the Harley,
lobster or crab legs,
the remote control,
bowl of ice cream,
the sports page,
chocolate,
or sex

...it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.


Signature: ___________________________

Date: _______________! _______ __ ___