20 Things That Never Happened in "Star Trek"

(Article from Edinburgh University's MIDWEEK Student Magazine, by Graeme MacDonald.)

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

For Melissa

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

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Girlfriend Software

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0...

• A "Don't remind me again" button
• Minimize button
• Shutdown feature
• An installshield feature so that GirlFriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
• "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad-but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend1.0 installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object oriented" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

---

**Bug Warning**

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Where Do Red Headed Babies Come From?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently."It's rust."

Quote of the Day

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Ambrose Bierce (1842-1913)

Nice Pigs

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

A Love Poem

I will seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
*The Flu*

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

What's Your Occupation?

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, Social Security number, etc, and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl?

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

He replies: "Good enough."

Cat in a Tree

A volunteer fire brigade team was trying to get down a cat that was high up in a tree. After working for several hours, they managed to get the animal down. The owner of the cat - an older lady - was happy and promised to serve the brave men a cup of coffee. The chief said, "Thanks, but we'll have to go back to the station." They got up in their fire engines and drove away, running over the cat.

Rorschach Test

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.

"A man and a woman making love in a boat."

He holds up the third picture.

"A man and a woman making love at the beach."

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures. At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."

And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

Old-Age Exercise?

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

Do I make myself perfectly clear?

I called UPS about an insurance claim I had filed on a package. I knew the automated voice response system wouldn't be able to handle this issue so I immediately said, "customer service." It did a little beep-boop-bop computing noise, and then insisted that I first pick from its menu, none of which items bore any resemblance to insurance claims. I tried "track a package." It recited the status, followed by "Can I help you with anything else?" I said, more insistently, "customer service," at which it complained that that was the most recent shipping information. Exasperated--but a bit curious--I said, "Damn you," and after the little computing noise, it swiftly transferred me to customer service.

Presidential Flood

GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY
DESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas (AP)

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.