Monday, August 28, 2006

Eleven People on a Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......

Wanna Bet?

One day, an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money. After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She said $165,000.

Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money.
The old lady said she made bets.
The president, quite surprised, asked: “Which kind of bets?”
The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”
The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win!
The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”
“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.

The old lady said to him: “Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10 AM with my lawyer as a witness, if it’s alright with you”.

“No problem” said the president.

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.

On the next day, 10 AM sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the resident. The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything. The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them. “Of course please do!”, said the president, given the fact that there was so much money involved, “you must be 100% sure.”

The lady, smiling, started to do so..

The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.

He asked the old lady “What is he doing?” She answered: “It’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 AM today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of Canada in my hands!”

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Preaching to a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Friday, August 25, 2006

One-Liners

If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I suppose we should all count our blessings, especially since they're dwindling.

I don't need drugs. I get the same effect, just by standing up fast.

Saw it ... Wanted it ... Had a fit ... Got it!

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

I'm so far behind I think I'm first.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.

Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless.

Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

They who are afraid to ask are ashamed of learning.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

Four categories of body fat in Georgia: normal, overweight, obese and deputy sheriff.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I miss the good old days when the Americans were the good guys.

You can learn many things from children, like how much patience you have.

Vacation in Asia: It makes you feel taller.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

In the end, all we have is a bunch of snapshots.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

Three secrets of success in public speaking are: be sincere, be brief, be seated.

Laughter is an Instant Vacation!

Observation: Most people meet the right one after they've married the wrong one.

An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

International Talk Like A Pirate Day



This poster was created by Kevin Bell and plundered from the International Talk Like A Pirate Day website.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Women in Leather

When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Simple:

Because it makes her smell like a New Truck!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

The Story of Genesis

In the beginning there was Peter and Tony and Mike and Anthony and Chris.
Then Chris left and John joined. And it was bad.
Then John left and John 2 joined. And it was better.
Then Anthonly left and John 2 was sacked and Phil joined.
Things then get very complicated...

Tip of Day



When you are in deep trouble, say nothing, and try to look like you know what you're doing!

Golf vs. Sex

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I 'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you ," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Coffee and Sex

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, Doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
"'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!

But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

New Jersey Hunters

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

Train Ride

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Monday, August 14, 2006

The Purina Diet

A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably ahouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the
food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now nthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

My Private Part Died Today!

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

You ain't seen nothing yet

Talk about break dancing... check this out!

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Thursday, August 10, 2006

How to Stay Awake in Meetings

As reported by my friend, Alice. Thought I'd pass this along, useful tool....

How to Stay Awake in Meetings:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. (I find that 5" x 5" works well)
2. Divide the square into columns -- 5 across, 5 down. (This gives you 25 1" blocks)
3. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
Strategic Fit, Core Competencies, Best Practice, Bottom Line, Revisit, Expeditious, To Tell You the Truth (or Truth Is), 24/7, Out of the Loop, Benchmark, Value-added, Pro-active, Win/Win, Think OUtside the Box, Fast Track, Result-driven, Empower(ment), Knowledge Base, At the End of the Day, Touch Base, Mind-set, Client-focus(ed), Paradigm, Game Plan, Leverage ... and my personal fave: Synergy
4. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
5. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically or diagonally, yell, "BULLSHYTE!" You've just played "Bullshyte Bingo."

Here are some testimonials from other players:

"I had been in the meeting for only 5 minutes when I won!"
"My attention span at meeting has improved dramatically." Adam, in Atlanta
"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me!" David, in Florida
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited pensively for the last block!" Dan in New York
"The speaker was stunned as 8 of us screamed BULLSHYTE for the third time in 2 hours" Ben, in Colorado
"When I won and yelled, "BULLSHYTE!" the woman sleeping next to me slid off her chair!" Paul, in Ohi

My Updated On Notice List



To create your own On Notice list, go to http://www.shipbrook.com/onnotice/

My On Notice List

Thursday, August 03, 2006

New Drug Name

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.