A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute. "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in 3 words."
The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do but remember, only in three words," she tells him.
The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."
Two Generals of the Napoleanic era were watching a battle from a nearby bluff. Suddenly, a stray bullet struck one of them in the shoulder. Without an instants' pause, he turned to his aide - "Fetch me my red jacket," he commanded. As the aide rushed to comply, he turned to the other General, and explained that he didn't want the men to be demoralized by knowing he was wounded.
The other General was clearly impressed. At that moment, a cannonball shrieked between them, the wind from its' passing rocking them both back on their heels. After a moment, the second General turned to his aide, and ordered, "Fetch me my brown trousers ... "
I had a car problem recently--the automatic transmission seemed to be stuck in second gear.
I took it to the mechanic, and he called to tell me that it was a design feature. When the transmission detects that something is seriously wrong, it locks itself into second gear so you can get off the highway, make it to a repair shop, or otherwise recover from the situation without danger.
Something troubled me, though, after I got off the phone.
It took me a minute, but I finally figured it out:
My transmission had booted into Safe Mode.
On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said, "Honey, do your remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.
"She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked. He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"
She giggled and said, "Yes, dear,that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."
